Escaping from the “I’m Stuck Muck”

WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE DRAMA

Think of an interaction with another person that didn’t go well. Did you feel powerless or helpless? Did all options feel unattractive? If so, you may have been stuck in one of three roles: the Bad Guy, the Victim, or the Rescuer. Imagine a triangle. In one corner lurks the Bad Guy (the Perpetrator). In another corner cowers the Victim, and in the third, the Rescuer is poised to spring into action. In the middle of the triangle hover Guilt and Blame. Now notice how you felt and what mind chatter you were listening to. Whoa, don’t bolt! Keep noticing. Noticing gives you distance which gives you power to get out of the drama triangle that has so captured your attention.

Yes, there’s a way to get out of the drama triangle. And not just in hind sight. But first we have to notice we’re in it. How do we know? Just check your gut. Do you feel constricted around your stomach? Your heart? Are your shoulders tight? Is your breath shallow? Do you notice any discomfort at all? If you do, chances are good you’re in the drama triangle. The most important step toward getting out is noticing that you’re in!

When you stop to notice and observe, your brain cools down. Look again at that interaction that didn’t go well. Was guilt or blame present? If so, it’s definite. The drama triangle has been created. By creating, or agreeing to join in the triangle, you have just handed over control of your life to someone or something outside of you. Drama, pain, and grief will be present. Not cool, right?

Nope, not cool. Once in, we play all three roles, rotating around…and around…and around.

Sometimes we think “I’m just being kind and compassionate, and helpful.” We don’t see that we’re playing the Rescuer role. However, rescuing is different from empowering another person. When we rescue someone, we are giving them the message they are inadequate and incompetent without our assistance. If we empower someone they experience “I did it myself, but I wasn’t alone.” Do you agree the two experiences are vastly different?

We can even dance the drama triangle dance all by ourselves about ourselves. “What a jerk I am for not seeing this!” is a Perpetrator remark. “Why does that always happen to me?” is a Victim lament.

You can exit this drama at any time no matter which of the three roles you’re playing. You need to take just two steps. You get out by:

1. Speaking your truth with respect
2. Declaring what you need, deciding what’s non-negotiable, and yielding on everything else

Telling the truth is not as easy as we may think. Which can get us back into the drama triangle. We often mix together what we should separate, namely truth and our interpretation of the truth. A helpful definition of “truth” is this: Truth equals the facts. The facts are what happened and what didn’t happen in physical reality. What we make the facts MEAN is our INTERPRETATION of the facts. It is NOT the truth. When we don’t make that distinction, we often make the drama triangle our psychological home. In coaching you can learn and practice telling the truth. And you can become masterful at recognizing when you are dead sure that your interpretation is the truth. How do you spell relief? How do you escape the “I’m stuck muck” of the drama triangle?

T E L L T H E T R U T H!

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Ingrid Martine, MA, PCC, author of The Un-Game and mind-ZENgineering coach works with organizations and individuals to empower them to move their lives from a 7 to 10 at work, home, and play. Find out more at: http://yourleadersedge.com/blog/. For her FREE report, “Reap the Harvest of a Quiet Mind: Empower Self, Empower Others”, or “Management Training for Business as Unusual”, visit: http://www.ingridmartinelifecoaching.com.

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