I Forgive Me; My First Sexual Encounter

Many of us can remember our first sexual encounter (OK, maybe not all of us.) An individual such as myself, can recall the one night stands, the booty calls and the so-called relationships that were pretty much about sex as well. So I really didn’t have a relationship that was of any substance and associated love with sex. (Typical guy huh?) Now I know that sex and love have nothing to do with one another. It took a lot of sexual experiences, heart ache, and messy break ups, to help me recognize my actions and thoughts were attracting these experiences into my life. I started recognizing a pattern. It was like a super fast roller coaster with a lot of 90 degree angle drops, loop to loop, upside down turns, dark underground tunnels, screaming, and tears.

As a senior in high school, I ran into my cousin, and she was talking about a particular foster child that stayed at my grandparents house. She said she spoke with him, and he was in wheelchair. He had been hit by a drunk driver and was paralyzed from the waist down. When she told me that, my body went numb.

See when I was a little boy, I grew up with my grandparents, and they were foster parents. Something happened between me and one of the foster children. The guy in the wheelchair was the other foster child. I think I was 4 or 5 when he molested me. I didn’t tell anyone until a few years later when I was speaking with my cousin. She was older, and all of us lived at my grandparent’s house at one time or another. I told her about the incident, and she told me that it happened to her as well, by the hands of her father.

As I mentioned earlier, I went numb when she told me the news. I didn’t know what to expect, but the reality of him in a wheelchair was not it. I used to have a lot of vivid dreams about the incident. They would keep me up at night and gave me nightmares. I threw daggers at him and held so much hatred, contempt, guilt, feeling ashamed as though I caused it to happen, rage, anger, and betrayal.

I asked God a million times, why did this happen to me? I was a little boy. I never got an answer until one day I decided to let go of the hatred. I decided to let go of the pain, the resentment, the guilt, the rage, anger, and betrayal. When I decided to allow well being to enter my heart, I was healed. I felt better immediately. I had been holding on to feelings that were not helping me. I was using the law of attraction against me. My feelings were set on destroy, mayhem, mischief, one night stands, conquer the world type stuff, and I was so afraid, lost and out of control.

I had experienced a lot at a young age and I was already tired of hurting and being hurt. I was tormenting myself, bringing all the confusion and pain unto me because of my actions, thoughts, and way of thinking and seeing the world. I was blaming everybody around me for my misfortune. My body was aching, my stomach hurt, my head hurt all the time. One day I just decided to look at the situation from the other side. I was able to let go of the pain, so I could allow some positive feelings in.

I imagined he had decided to turn his life around and help others cope with abuse. His mission or goal in life could very well be to change the world for good. So my hat was off to him. He deserves to experience love, abundance, well being and awareness that is here to guide us to magnificence. Who knows what could have happened in his life, the same thing may have happened to him

So hearing that he was in a wheelchair, was shocking to say the least. I wanted to hear something uplifting, something inspirational. The memories of the incident were revisited but I didn’t have any negative feelings associated with the event. It that point, I knew I had dealt with the negative feelings, the guilt, hatred and embarrassment about the experience and I stopped beating myself up over it.

When I allowed the well being to flow through me – when I focused on seeing things from a source of good, I began to receive good. I changed my focus and started receiving a manifestation of my habitual thoughts. That negative energy didn’t suit me anymore. Thinking negative thoughts was not a habit bringing me the results I desired. So I let them go. I forgave myself for my first sexual encounter. Forgiveness is the way to peace and happiness. It was a tough experience to pull forgiveness out of but it happened. Reading, writing, meditating, confidence and faith helped me overcome that ordeal. Now I know the sooner I let go of hate, the sooner I will receive well being. Having a coach/mentor, people that supported me and wanted good to come into my life helped make the transition. How we react to events determines if it will help or hinder us. We have a choice. I choose freedom!