How to Ask For What You Want

Do you know how to ask for what you want in life? Can you tell me what you want to have, do, and be in life? Many of us would have to ponder over our answer because we haven’t given the question the time and thought required for a response. Would it take you a moment to gather your thoughts? Even if you knew what you wanted to do, would you ask for help to get started? Do you know how to ask for help or the right person to ask that can give you what you want? Asking is one of the most powerful success principles of all.

As mentioned in “The Aladdin Factor” by Jack Canfield, there are five barriers to asking that prevent us from getting what we want. These five areas are ignorance, limiting and inaccurate beliefs, fear, low self-esteem and pride.

The first barrier to asking is ignorance. Many of us do not know what to ask for. Either we are unaware to what’s available to us because we have never been exposed to it, or we are so out of touch with ourselves and our emotions that we no longer have the ability to perceive our real needs and wants. Some of us have become so numb we are simply unaware of our natural yearnings and desires. We no longer know what we really want. We have never learned the process of making an effective request. We did not see this communicated effectively in our homes, nor taught how to effectively communicate in school or at work. “The expression of our desires may have threatened, embarrassed or in some other way made our parents feel uncomfortable.” “It may have been that we were asking for things that they didn’t get as children, and subconsciously they resented us for asking.” Jack Canfield

The second barrier to asking is limiting and inaccurate beliefs. We all have been programmed by our parents, our teachers, society, the media, and peers. We can become clutched by this parental and societal conditioning. We have learned from our failures and our traumatic experiences in life that if you don’t want too much, then you won’t be disappointed. We are programmed by our parents. Many of us grew up in homes where what we wanted was ignored, overlooked, or made fun of. We are programmed at school by our teachers. We are told to do your own work and that getting help from someone is cheating. We learn very quickly that it is not okay to ask a stupid question. We are programmed by the major media. Men are commonly viewed as macho, not showing any emotions or crying, being a loner and not showing weaknesses. We are conditioned by our religious training. We are programmed by our doctors. Very early we learn to do what the doctor says and not ask questions.

Fear is another barrier to asking that holds us back. Fear is defined as false experiences appearing real or fantasized experiences appearing real. We have become afraid of rejection, being abandoned, feelings of unworthiness, being punished, looking foolish, losing face and being hurt be others. We have become passive. We settle for less than we really want and we sit in judgment of those who are getting what we want.

Low self esteem is the fourth barrier to asking for what you want. According to several recent studies, only one out of three of us has high self-esteem. We are suffering from a national epidemic of low self-esteem. I could attest to that. I was picked on in school by the other kids. I wore glasses and got the standard “four eyes” comment. I felt unworthy of love, happiness and inadequate to create the kind of life I wanted. I felt alone and depressed and did not share my thoughts and feelings with anyone. I begin to feel as though my needs and wants were not important and worthy of pursuing. I wanted to please others and set aside my feelings. When I didn’t get what I wanted from the important people in my life, I concluded that what I wanted was not important. We may take it a step further and develop the idea that other people’s needs and wants are more important than our own. At that point we stop asking for anything.

Finally, pride tops the list of five barriers to asking. We are afraid to appear needy and weak. We are programmed in pride, to have guts and glory. We are supposed to be able to figure it out by ourselves. I admit to being controlled by my pride. I can recall being arrogant and not admitting to needing anyone or anything. We as men, are convinced that we must do everything ourselves and do it right the first time.

So how do you ask for what you want? Ask as if you expect to get it. Ask with positive expectation. Ask from the place that you have already been given it. Ask as if you expect to get a yes. If you are going to assume, assume for yourself and not against yourself. Do not ever assume against yourself. Assume you can. You want to ask someone who can give you what you want. Make sure you are asking the decision maker or the right person. You need to be clear and specific about what you want. The key here is not to think about whether or not something is possible, but simply whether or not you want it. And ask repeatedly. You started out as a baby knowing exactly what you wanted. You devoured the food you wanted, you spit out what you didn’t want. You cried loudly until you got what you wanted with no inhibitions or holding back. You crawled toward what held your attention. You had everything inside you to get fed, changed, or held. You knew exactly what to do to get what you wanted. Even without speech, you were able to communicate your needs and wants. Now you are much older and capable of expressing yourself openly and clearly. “You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don’t know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have to figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it.” Barbara De Angelis